A New Perspective on Self-Love (And How to Increase It!)

This article was originally published on Soulaia.com

I don't know about you but self-love can feel daunting at times. Some mornings you love yourself. Other mornings it proves somewhat difficult. Some days you know how to do it. Other days it’s as if you’ve never even tried. Some days begin with self-love and by lunch time you can’t find even an ounce of it floating in the ocean that is your life.

It’s in these failed attempts at self-love that you may be tempted to blame yourself and perpetuate the cycle of anything but self-love. And it’s in these moments that I urge you to refrain from the societal and cultural thinking that led you so far from self-love in the first place, and to consider this instead:

What if we've been construing self-love all wrong?

What if we’ve been going at it from a perspective that makes it nearly impossible?

And... What if there is a better way?

Let's start by redefining self-love.

TO REDEFINE SELF-LOVE, WE NEED TO REDEFINE THE SELF

Who is this self that you are wanting and trying to love? When we think about self-love as loving this human body and adjoining singular personality and attitude structure that's ours no matter what, self-love feels big. It becomes a daunting task. It maybe even feels insurmountable. But if we remember that the self is actually a conglomerate of various parts that we've developed over the years and which show up at different times in our life and throughout our day, all of a sudden the task of self-love becomes much less discouraging. You are not a single, unitary self. You are many selves which change according to the people, situations, and experiences around you.

The question becomes not “Can I love myself?” but “Can I love that part of me that is being activated or that is arising in this moment?” So whether it's the part of you that feels inadequate in the face of someone with a stronger presence, the part of you that is really good at being a workaholic so as to avoid feeling the sadness that’s there, or the part of you that overeats to fill the feeling of emptiness or to numb painful emotions, the question is “Can I love that one part of me?”

TO REDEFINE SELF-LOVE, WE ALSO NEED TO REDEFINE LOVE

To love, in the societal sense of the word, that one part of you that appears to be sabotaging your life goals or that you deem to be responsible for making you feel or look bad, is also a tall order. But consider this - what if love isn't some big display of affection, with no recognition of faults or mishaps, but instead a recognition that it's okay to be just as you are? What if love is a recognition that nothing needs to change, and an acknowledgement that whatever part of you is arising in this moment exists only for your good?

The truth is, all of your parts, no matter how troublesome or unpleasant they may seem, exist for your benefit. Some are young parts that hold on to the pain, shame, fear, and/or burdens of your past because they were shown, in direct or indirect ways, that it wasn’t okay to feel or to be that way (for example, the sad part of you that felt justifiably upset that your mom or dad weren’t as physically or emotionally present as you’d wanted them to be when you were a kid), and others are parts that exist to protect you from feeling the pain and burdens of your past by preventing it from coming to the surface (for example, the part of you that says “Oh, that relationship didn’t mean anything to me” to compensate for the pain, and protect you from feeling the sadness of the breakup). All of our parts are here for us and the process of self-love is, in essence, about learning to relate to them differently.

Repeat after me: “I am made of parts. Some are kind parts. Some are angry parts. Some are loving parts. Some are justice-seeking parts. Ruthless parts. Some are parts that feel inadequate. Some are parts that need more love. Some feel unseen. Some are judgmental. Some are incredibly generous. There’s one that likes to criticize me. And one that likes to criticize others. And one that loves connection. And another that runs toward independence.” These parts sound somewhat different for all of us but what they all have in common is that they are a part of us. They constitute the “mixture” of parts that makes you you and that makes me me, and all they want is to be acknowledged, seen, and heard for who they are.

 

A NEW TAKE ON SELF-LOVE

Self-love is when you can observe your parts with curiosity and compassion and actively try to understand them, see them, and hear them instead of keeping them hidden or forcing them to change. As my friend Wes Angelozzi says, "Go and love someone exactly as they are. And then watch how quickly they transform into the greatest, truest version of themselves. When one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered."

The same is true of all your parts. If you remember that love is acknowledging that you are made of parts, taking time to notice the parts of you that exist, and bringing curiosity and compassion to them, rather than ignoring them, then self-love becomes somewhat less terrifying of an undertaking.

This less-scary take on self-love sets you up for success not only because it is grounded in a psychological understanding of who we are at our core and how our various parts come to be (thank you, Internal Family Systems therapy), but it is also rooted in a neuropsychological understanding of how human beings can successfully change long-standing thought patterns and behaviors (S.M.A.R.T goals ring a bell?). And as with any new habit or skill, you’ve got to practice it in order to become good at it.

So your task for today, should you choose to accept it, is to pick one part of you - just one - to practice self-love with. Not the “grandiose display of affection, geared at all of who you are” kind of self-love, but the “acknowledging, compassionate perspective, geared at a core part of you” kind of self-love. If you’re wondering, “How do I do this?” I am glad that you asked. Here are the steps to practice self-love, the S.M.A.R.T. way, with questions to ask yourself and phrases to recite to get to the core of each step and thus to the core of self-love.

THE S.M.A.R.T. WAY TO PRACTICE SELF-LOVE

GET RELATED

Check in with yourself as to how important your self-love skills are to you right now.

• How is practicing self-love aligned with my goals for myself and for my life? What feelings, experiences, and desires will a deeper ability to love myself grant me?

RECOGNIZE A PART

Pick one part of you to be the focus of your self-love, or notice a part of you that is wanting your attention by observing what you are thinking or doing in response to a situation in your life.

• What part of me is activated? Is it an overworking part? A demanding part? An “I need to be strong” part? A part that criticizes me all the time? A part that makes sure that I don’t get hurt?

GET CURIOUS

Acknowledge this part of you as it is right now, in this moment. No need to change it. Simply notice it with curiosity and wonderment and discover why it is there.

• What might be this part’s purpose for being a part of me? Is it a part that’s been around for a while but has hidden out of my consciousness and never shown compassion or care? Is it here because it’s protecting me from something? Why might it be a part of my internal system?

SAY “THANK YOU” (AND MEAN IT)

Thank this part for existing. Not just with words, but with sincerity. Remember, every part of you exists for your benefit and has a positive intent when it comes to your well-being.

• If it’s a part of you that felt ashamed or inadequate and has been hidden out of your consciousness for some time, thank this part for sticking around so that you could learn from the pain of your past. If it’s a part of you that is keeping you from feeling the pain of the past by engaging in some unhealthy or unproductive behavior, thank it for being there to protect you, and ask it what it’s afraid will happen if it’s not actively present in this situation, or in your life? Once you know its reason for being, let it know “I know why you had to be here and I am so glad that you were”.

NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE

You’ll know you’ve achieved an honest experience of self-love when there is no longer a tug-of-war happening in your heart, when you are not feeling bogged down by shame, and when you feel satisfied in the moment you are in without needing something to be different in order for you to feel better.

• Do I feel satisfied in this moment? Do all of my parts feel seen, heard, and acknowledged? If not, what else is there to be seen, heard, felt, or acknowledged?

These are the first steps to releasing the weight of the past that many of us carry, and are the essential steps to self-love. As long as there are parts of us that we deny, ignore, or push away, loving ourselves is a distant dream. The more we begin to welcome and maybe even get to know our parts, the more whole and less fragmented we become. And this is how our journey of self-love naturally unfolds. One part, one day, one moment at a time.