Is It Chemistry, Or Is It Love?

You know that feeling you get when you meet someone and, for reasons you can't quite explain, you feel an undeniable pull toward them? If you're single, it can be exciting, almost riveting as your heart races, your cheeks flush, and your mind starts imagining what could happen —Is there a date in the future? A few dates? A relationship? And if you’re already coupled, you might feel a twinge of worry—What does this chemistry with this other person mean about my relationship with the person I’m with?

Imagining a future with this person with whom you have strong chemistry if you’re single, and wondering what it all means about your relationship with your partner if you’re partnered are both absolutely natural and normal responses. And they beg and important question: What is chemistry? Where does it come from? And what’s it got to do with love?

Let’s get into it.

What is Chemistry & Where Does It Come From

We can think of chemistry as that magnetic force that seems to attract and pull you toward another person. It's the flutter in your stomach, the excitement of being near them, and the racing heart beat. Our genes want us to reproduce and on a biological level, the experience of chemistry is driven by a physiological cocktail of chemicals—cortisol, epinephrine, and dopamine— that fire off when you're near someone who captures your attention in this way. But, whether we like it or not, that's not all. Chemistry also commonly comes with preoccupying thoughts, strong emotions, and powerful infatuation. You can thank the accompanying low levels of serotonin in that physiological cocktail for that.

The thing about not enough serotonin... It makes all of your critical thinking skills go on vacation. Bye-bye. No critical thinking here. So, when someone comes around that mesmerizes you, you are pulled towards them like a rubber band, unable to see their bad traits. And it’s not necessarily because they’re the Prince Charming or Princess Pretty you’ve been waiting for your entire life!

The thing about not enough serotonin? It makes all of your critical thinking skills go on vacation. Bye-bye. No critical thinking here.

 

Strong emotional reactions like those that come when we feel mesmerized by someone’s presence, scientists say, come thanks to our brain’s ability to store unpleasant memories of problems past. Because our brain stores and values unpleasant memories to protect us, these memories are more easily activated.

Chemistry, then, has roots in something deeper. You may feel that pull (you know which one I’m talking about) to someone not just because they're interesting or their values match your own, but because they remind you of something familiar from childhood. Because they’re familiar– for example, they’ve got a personality or vibe similar to mom or dad– you are automatically drawn to them, even if mom or dad weren’t so great to be around. Your unconscious mind notices something about them— something that reminds you of a familiar dynamic from your past. And, it thinks getting close to them might be a great way to help us recreate some unresolved patterns of the past and heal and overcome them this time around. Pretty noble, huh? Your brain thinks, 'Ah, I know this', the familiarity grabs you, and you often mistake it for the sense that “Whoa, this person is my perfect match!” or “ I’ve finally met ‘the one’!”

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But here's the thing: If the people you spent your time around in childhood represent the kind of person (in terms of personality, values, and responses to conflict) that you really want in a romantic partner, then that person would be a match. But more often than not, that’s not the case (it’s the rare lucky person that consciously says, “I want to marry someone like my mom/dad”) and the person we notice incredible chemistry with ends up being quite the opposite of a great match.

In fact, most people would say that the last thing they want is someone who resembles their mother, father, or primary caregiver, yet there they are, mesmerized by someone who is similar to these very people in some way. Because when that rush of feel-good chemicals kicks in, well, your critical thinking takes a back seat. Suddenly, you're overlooking their less, completely missing the potential for unhealthy patterns to emerge own the road, and turning what could be a growing, balanced interest into an overwhelming infatuation.

This ain't love. This is chemistry doing what it does.

What is Love & Where Does Love Come From

Love… it’s more than simply a chemical reaction. Love doesn't come from a quick surge of adrenaline or a rush of dopamine— it grows from shared interests, deeply rooted friendship, respect, kindness, understanding, compassion, and deep connection and communication. It’s not something that happens overnight; it's a bond that people have the opportunity to develop consciously and conscientiously over time with intention, desire, and conscious effort. To build a connection that’s based on mutual understanding and appreciation as opposed to pushes and pulls is like a construction project. You might create the plan in a number of weeks, but the building of it takes years. It happens slowly and steadily, brick by brick

Love is like a successful construction project. You might create the plan in a number of weeks, but the building of it takes years.

 

 

What Does Chemistry Have To Do With Love?

So when you ask what chemistry has to do with love, I say “Usually not much”. The literal chemistry that leads us to feel pulled to someone might mean a fantastic physical relationship with just the right amount of sexual tension but in many cases, it couldn’t be farther from what we need if a healthy, loving relationship is what we want. Sure, we need some passion, romance, and to feel drawn to someone, but when it comes to finding a relationship that will be healthy and long-lasting, the person whose familiarity reminds us of our past often couldn’t be further from an ideal match.

You see, if you get into a long-term relationship with this person, the chemistry might blind you from noticing that they’re just as unpleasant to be around, or just as controlling, just as unavailable, or just as [fill in the blank] as mom or dad were (these are just examples), and you will relate to them with the same (often dysfunctional) patterns as you learned in relating to mom or dad as a kid. Our partner will be doing the same; after all, they were unconsciously drawn to us for reasons similar to why we were drawn to them. Take two people who were chemically attracted to each other who each have dysfunctional patterns of relating (e.g., poor communication, disrespect, poor boundaries, lack of cooperation) and you’ve got a recipe for disaster! I don’t blame you and you shouldn’t blame yourself, either. Your critical thinking faculties were on vacation, remember?

Why Strong Chemistry ⧣ Lasting Love

As time passes and two people get to know each other better, the chemicals that created the initial spark start to shift. The intense attraction fades, and, all of a sudden, you think “the love has faded”. Well, the love hasn’t faded but the initial chemistry, lust, and attraction has. And those two are not the same thing. So now it all comes down to what’s left. What’s left now that the lust and attraction are gone?

In a healthy relationship, when the initial spark is gone, what's left is the foundation of love— the respect, the care, the friendship. But, in our world, we often mistake strong chemistry for love and build lives with others according to strong chemistry while disregarding the building blocks of love. And chemistry without the building blocks of love is just chemistry. And if this is the case, what’s left in the relationship or marriage when the chemistry is gone?

Exactly.

This is why so many relationships that begin with strong chemistry eventually fizzle out. Chemistry alone can't carry the weight of a healthy, long-term relationship. It's love—the kind that's built with intention and effort—that will see you through.

So, if you're wondering how to find love, or how to cultivate it in the relationship you're in remember that love is something you build, not something you find. It takes vulnerability, honesty, and a willingness to grow together. If you're curious about exploring the dynamics of dating and love further, I invite you to join my Heart Share Circles—a space where we delve into real, meaningful conversations about dating, relationships, and navigating the complexities of love. Whether you're single or partnered, these circles are a supportive, compassionate space to share, learn, and grow in your relationships. Week to week, we explore everything from building emotional intimacy to deepening your connection with yourself and others. It's a space to reflect on your experiences, share your challenges, and find support from some really good people who are walking the same path (me included). I will see you there!