The Real Purpose Behind Your Negative Emotions

Real Talk About Negative Emotions

In much of Western culture, we’re taught that negative equals bad and that positive equals good. According to Taoist understanding, however, negative doesn’t mean ‘bad’ at all; it simply means ‘opposed to the way things are’. So, I venture to say that negative emotion, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. It’s simply an opposition to the flow of our current experience.

If negative emotions aren’t bad in and of themselves (and I invite you to play with this idea for just a moment), then who or what makes them bad?

Drum roll please…

It’s us! We are the ones who took in this false belief that negative emotions are bad and we are the ones who keep perpetuating it, making ourselves and one another feel bad for having them!

Now, I don’t say this to blame you or to blame me. I just say this to help open up our eyes a little bit.

So, let’s assume that the Taoists know a thing or two and that ‘negative’ simply means ‘in opposition to the flow of our current experience’. If we pause and listen to a negative emotion when it arises and get curious about where this negative emotion is in disagreement with how things are, we may learn a thing or two. We may even learn something that leads us to change how we navigate our lives... for the better.

Feelings As Messengers That Are Often Ignored

Have you ever caught yourself saying any of these things?

“Ugh! Why am I so upset about this?” “Why can’t I just accept it as it is?”

“F@cK! This is making me anxious.” “Why can’t I just be calm like everybody else?”

“Not now… I don’t have time for this…!” [as you sense a negative emotion coming up]

If you have, you my friend, are not alone.

Welcome to the United States of America, where it is unspoken law that we see “negative” emotion as an inconvenience, a hassle, and a burden.

We have lost all of our common sense and connection with what we know internally to be true.

When we treat our feelings as an inconvenience, it’s as if we’re receiving a stimulus check in the mail and saying “nah, I don’t really need this. I’m just going to rip it up”.

But hold on, hold on… don’t rip that check up just yet. Don’t toss and tuck those emotions away just yet.

Let’s see what would happen if, for just a moment, you tried on the idea that your feelings are feedback and that your emotions (all of them, including and especially the negative ones) are messengers wanting to be understood, and instead asked yourself, “What is this feeling trying to tell me?”

(This is one of the many important questions we ask ourselves in The Happiness Hub, my exclusive, supportive community for genuine seekers of genuine happiness. If you are a genuine happiness seeker, we invite you to join us!)

Feelings As Messengers That Are Trying to Tell You Something

You may recognize that ….

Anger

Anger is trying to protect and defend you. Rather than “ugh, this anger is such a hassle and I don’t know what to do about it”, see if you can ask yourself “what do I need to protect myself from or defend myself against right now?” Aha! See, anger is a messenger and it wouldn’t be there if there were nothing that you needed to know, in a very in-your-face way, about something that needs your guard to go up immediately.

Whether it’s responding to someone crossing your boundaries (that you may or may not be setting sufficiently), fighting against something that you perceive might be a potential loss (like someone calling you names and rattling your self-identity), or trying to protect you from feeling an emotion that is quite powerful (like sadness that you can feel ready to burst out of your heart), anger is an absolute blessing. And when it is felt and acknowledged, it is– as Chanel Miller says– the beginning of a sign that we’ve stepped onto our own side.

When anger turns to aggression, it’s usually because we’ve ignored anger’s subtler messages letting us know that we need to protect and defend ourselves. So when you feel aggression, know that it signifies a need to survive something that is perceived as incredibly dangerous to our system.

Resentment

Anger’s cousin resentment is letting you know that you didn’t get the praise, recognition, or fair treatment that you’d wanted. It’s urging you to resent and devalue another person because you were treated unfairly and your needs were not met. Like anger, resentment wants you to go inside and ask yourself “What felt unfair? Why did it feel unfair? What values of mine were being challenged?” and “How can I bring value to myself?” “How can I create the kinds of conditions in my life where I am treated as worthy of attention, recognition, and fair treatment?” And, if you want to go for the goal, when resentment has had its chance to be heard and has subsided, you can even ask yourself “How can I come to terms with the ways I have been poorly treated by others and the ways that I’ve poorly or unfairly treated others in the past?” and tune in to the possible next steps.

 

 

Boredom

“Ugh, I’m bored!” “There’s nothing to do…”

Boredom’s message is right in its words. Boredom is letting you know that it isn’t okay, satisfied, or engaged enough with the present moment and is asking for change. “I don’t want to be here just thinking thoughts”... “Let’s do something else” boredom whispers, and before you know it, you’re scanning your brain for possible next activities, doodling on the piece of paper in front of you, or jumping up out of your seat to unconsciously open the refrigerator (again :)).

Worry

Worry, an often unwelcome visitor, has the best of intentions too. It’s letting you know there is a potential of loss coming up and because of that, it wants you to be cautious. It yearns for a sense of calm, safety, and a reminder that you can handle what’s coming your way. If you aren’t equipped to handle what’s happening, worry urges you to find the support you need to handle it. “Ask the questions you need to ask, get the information you need to know, and slow it down and think about it”, says worry. Albeit uncomfortable oftentimes, worry comes with a request: that you ask yourself, “What is making me feel unsafe, and how can I remind myself that I am safe or create the conditions that are necessary for me to feel that way?”

Fear

Fear, worry’s not-so-long lost cousin, is screaming “I don’t feel safe heeeeere!”. Something doesn’t feel right. Something is reminding you of similar circumstances of a previous time at which you were hurt, or someone’s facial or verbal expressions give you an “umm, this is an eerily familiar (and not good) feeling” and so fear steps in. It wants safety and it wants it now!

Sadness

Let me start out with this: All that you’ve been taught about sadness, not unlike other “negative” emotions, is wrong. It’s incomplete. And it’s time we put it to rest. Sad is not bad. I repeat: sad is not bad.

Sadness enters your experience when there has been some sense of loss. It comes to let you know “[Insert your name here], honey, it feels like something is missing from our life” and/or “this hurts”. Instead of “Why am I so sad? There’s no reason for me to be this upset”, try honoring the message that sadness brings instead by telling yourself “I understand why you’re upset. There is a lot of hurt here”.

Sad is not bad. I repeat: sad is not bad.

Grief

Multiply the loss that sadness is conveying to you by 100 or 1,000 times and you’ve got grief. Grief is letting you know “Hi honey, we are experiencing a tremendous loss right now. There is so much loss in my heart, and I need comfort and support– big time– during this time”.

Tears, the physical and physiological expression of sadness or grief, are the sense of loss wanting to be released in liquid form. One option we have when we recognize our own tears is to ask ourselves, as we’ve likely been asked by others (directly or indirectly) many times before, “Why am I so sensitive?” and tell ourselves not to cry. Another option, and one that I encourage and that becomes more intuitive when you treat your tears as a messenger, is to tell yourself “I see that this is affecting you. And I am here with you. I’m not going anywhere”.

Tears, the physical and physiological expression of sadness or grief, are the sense of loss wanting to be released in liquid form.

 

 

The Moral of The Story

Your emotions are guiding you to what you need and are acting like a time machine showing you what you may have needed but not received earlier in life. The opportunity, then, is to treat your emotions as the messengers they are.

In experiencing emotions like anger, sadness, and frustration that may be challenging to be with, it helps to remember that this emotion is not here to overtake you; it is simply here to let you know of something that’s important to you. And if you can see your emotions not as an inconvenience, but as a bridge between today and tomorrow guiding you to the things that are important for you to know, you’ll step into an even better tomorrow that you ever could’ve imagined.

A great effect of seeing emotions in this way too is that when you do, the responses that you may have been afraid to have as a function of these emotions (e.g., yelling or cursing at someone when angry) go away. When you hear the messages that your emotions have to offer you, you don’t get swept up in the consequential behaviors that might happen when you ignore or push them away!

The idea of feelings being messengers, by the way, doesn’t just apply to “negative” emotions– “positive” emotions, in fact, are messengers too. Joy, for instance, lets you know that the experience you’re having means something to you, and very likely aligns with your values and preferences. “We like this. This feels good. Let’s do more of this in the future”, says joy.

What are your emotions trying to tell you today? Let me know in the comments below.