Lessons in Love: What My Best Friend Taught Me About Great Relationships

Life is a journey, and relationships—whether platonic or romantic—are a big part of that journey. But let's be real: maintaining healthy, fulfilling relationships isn't something most of us were taught growing up. I know I wasn't.

For the past five plus years, my best friend and I have been having bi-weekly conversations that have radically changed the way I approach my relationships. Whether we're discussing my life or hers, we dive deep, exploring the ins and outs of what it means to connect meaningfully with other people when us and them bring our own thoughts, feelings, conditionings, perspectives, and awarenesses. And let me tell you, through our shared experiences and reflections, those talks have done wonders not just for our friendship, but for every relationship in my and her life. Honest conversations, not surprisingly, help you identify patterns and areas for improvement, and if we're willing to learn and evolve along the way, they lead to growth.

The Importance of Authentic Connection

What I most appreciate about my conversations with my best friend is not just the opportunity to vent or seek advice; it’s the deep, meaningful change that emerges from our discussions. We don’t just commiserate—we challenge each other, inspire each other, and push each other to grow. And it's in these moments that I’ve adopted an outlook that’s quite different from the dynamics of the household I grew up in: the most significant relationships in our lives often require regular, honest conversations to flourish.

"The most significant relationships in our lives often require regular, honest conversations to flourish."

Every time we talk through a relationship issue—whether it's about our romantic relationships, friendships, or even family dynamics—it reminds me that I don’t have to have all the answers. In fact, one of the most impactful aspects of these conversations with my best friend is the consistent realization that I don't have to have all my "stuff" together to be a good partner, friend, or family member. It's okay to be a work in progress, as long as you're committed to that progress.

"It's okay to be a work in progress, as long as you're committed to that progress."

Lessons That Last a Lifetime

I’ve kept notes from many of my conversations with my best friend in the Notes app of my phone, and over time, they’ve become a fundamental part of my own psyche. These notes contain the truths, strategies, and go-to resources that I’ve come to rely on, not just to help me in my own relationships but also to help my clients navigate the complexities of their relationships. They also serve as a reminder that the most profound learning often comes not from formal education (think about how many textbooks you’ve purchased or borrowed over time and how much of the information you actually remember and use in your daily life), but from the people we trust, the conversations that touch our hearts, and how we put those nuggets of love and wisdom into action in our lives.

Of course, my education has been instrumental in shaping who I am and how I approach my relationships and my work. A big shoutout to Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy and the IFS Institute for gifting me what I consider the bedrock of my self-understanding and how I help my clients day in and day out! But it’s these intimate, honest conversations with my best friend that have truly revealed the keys to healthy relationships for me. And now, I want to pass on some of these relationship insights to you.

Here are a few nuggets of wisdom gained through conversations with my best friend that have had the most profound impact on my journey, and I hope they resonate with you as well:

1. Understand and Own Your Needs, Understand and Honor Theirs

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is how important it is to communicate what I need from a place of clarity. Start by asking yourself: "What do I want or need right now in this moment/ in this connection with this person?" Then, focus on what part of that you can control. Start by asking yourself: “what part of this can I control/ what part of this can I give to myself?” “How can I meet this need of mine?” Once you know that, you can communicate with your partner from a place of clarity and security. Communicating from this place transforms how you connect with others. Instead of coming from a place of frustration or blame, you’re engaging with love and understanding.

2. Speak Up Early On 🗣️

If something bothers you early on in a relationship, don’t shy away from addressing it. Speaking up will not only reveal whether the other person is capable of meeting you in a healthy way, but it will also showcase the confident, assertive person you are becoming. By voicing your concerns without fear, you establish a foundation of honesty and respect—qualities that are essential in any relationship.

"Speaking up will not only reveal whether the other person is capable of meeting you in a healthy way, but it will also showcase the confident, assertive person you are becoming."

 

3. Handle Triggers (Your Own and Theirs) with Compassion

Let’s face it—triggers are inevitable in any relationship. When both partners are triggered, it’s easy for things to spiral out of control. But remember, it’s okay to be human and to have those moments. What’s key is how we handle them, together. The key is to handle these moments with patience and care, understanding that it’s okay to be human and have those moments. Ask yourself: "Can we talk through things healthily when they come up?" If the answer is yes, that’s a solid foundation. Remember, it's not about avoiding triggers but about how you navigate them together.

 

4. Practice Meeting Each Other’s Needs

Every relationship involves a negotiation of needs. Sometimes, what you need is emotional connection, while your partner might need something different, like pure fun time. The magic happens when you figure out how to make it work for both of you. This is where curiosity comes into play—asking questions like, "What do you need right now?", "How can we make this work for both of us?", or "How can we create a situation that meets both our needs?" This approach ensures both partners feel seen and valued.

 

5. Healing After a Breakup: Embrace the Coexistence of Forgiveness and Hurt

Breakups can leave us grappling with a mix of emotions—hurt, anger, resentment, and also maybe compassion and understanding too. It’s essential to recognize that forgiveness doesn’t mean rushing your healing or pretending you’re no longer affected by what happened. There’s nothing wrong with still feeling those emotions—they’re a natural part of the healing process. Allow yourself the time and space to heal fully, recognizing that forgiveness is a journey, not a destination.

After a breakup, it’s okay to have understanding and compassion for the other person while still processing your own pain. For example, you might genuinely understand why your ex-partner acted the way they did, but that doesn’t mean your hurt or anger isn’t valid. The peaceful coexistence of these two truths is the essence of forgiveness. It’s about forgiving both yourself and your ex-partner for your shared humanness, while also honoring your emotions. True forgiveness involves allowing both your compassion for the other person and your own feelings of hurt to coexist.

"True forgiveness involves allowing both your compassion for the other person and your own feelings of hurt to coexist."

 

6. Make Loving Assertiveness Your First Language

There’s a delicate balance between love, acceptance, and assertiveness. It’s about realizing that these can coexist—having compassion and understanding for the other person, while also acknowledging your own feelings and needs. Loving assertiveness creates space for both partners to grow, but it’s important that it comes from a place of self-love, not from a desire to change the other person. This approach is the best thing we can do for ourselves and for each other.

 

7. Navigate Insecurities Openly and Without Shame

Insecurities are not who you are; they’re just something you experience. The journey is about learning how to live with those insecurities, self-regulate, and be in that experience with someone else. If you feel insecure, instead of unconsciously seeking reassurance, bring awareness to it and communicate openly. For example, you can say something like, "Hey, I’m aware of this feeling of insecurity happening in me right now. I feel like some reassurance would be helpful. Would you be willing to give me some?" Working together in these moments can strengthen your connection, and it’s okay to acknowledge that both of you are human and will have moments of being triggered and feeling insecure.

"Insecurities are not who you are; they’re just something you experience."

8. Curiosity Didn’t Kill the Cat—It Saved the Relationship

Harness the power of curiosity. Often, the simple act of asking questions like, "What’s really going on here?" or "How can I understand your perspective better?" can open up new paths to connection. Where assuming and judging distance us from each other, curiosity helps us move beyond surface-level frustrations to find deeper understanding and solutions in our relationships.

Bringing It All Together: An Invitation

Conversations with my best friend over the years and the many nuggets if wisdom we’ve gleaned have had a profound impact on my- and her- life. And, as many of us know, grasping these ideas with our mind is one thing—living them out day by day is another. The journey to truly embodying these principles and seeing things this way isn’t a one-time realization; it’s a lifelong process. The real transformation happens when you have the tools and practices to integrate these ideas into your daily life.

That’s where my upcoming webinar, "How to Be the Loving Partner or Parent You Want to Be," comes in. It’s designed to not just share what’s important in building fulfilling relationships, but to guide you step-by-step on how to get there from within.

If you’re ready to move from understanding these concepts to actually living them, I invite you to join me in this 90-minute masterclass. We’ll explore:

• How to identify the barriers to being the loving partner or parent you want to be.
• Practical strategies for overcoming these barriers.
• How to approach your relationships with greater compassion and understanding.
• And much more...

Join the masterclass here.

Final Thoughts

Whether or not you join the webinar, I encourage you to start having deep, meaningful conversations with someone you trust (like I have been with my dear friend) if you aren’t already. They could be a big stepping stone to unlocking the loving, fulfilling relationships you’ve always wanted!

If you’re ready to take the next step, you can learn more and register for the webinar here. I hope to see you there!