Your Thoughts Are Not Your Enemy: How Listening to Them Can Transform Your Life

Many of us have been taught to believe that our thoughts are the enemy and the relationship we have with our thoughts can therefore feel like a battle. We're taught to control them, suppress them, and ignore our thoughts, especially the negative ones. We believe that if we can just get rid of those nagging, unpleasant thoughts, we'd finally be happy. But this approach is misguided. What if I told you that your thoughts aren't your enemy? What if I told you that instead of something to be conquered, they're actually like little children inside you—scared, hurt, and needing care and attention?

This shift in perspective has changed my life and the way I help others heal. In this post, we’ll explore why listening to your thoughts—yes, even and especially the tough ones—can be one of the most transformational practices you can adopt.

Your Thoughts Are Inner Children

Imagine a young child crying, tugging at your sleeve, desperate to be heard. Would you turn your back on that child? Would you shush them, scold them, or push them away? No, of course not. You'd probably kneel down, ask what's wrong, lovingly listen to them share their feelings, comfort them, and help them feel better.

Your thoughts are no different. They're simply parts of you calling out for your attention, trying to communicate something to you. And just like a crying child, they need to be heard and comforted.

Your thoughts… are simply parts of you calling out for your attention, trying to communicate something to you. And just like a crying child, they need to be heard and comforted.

When a negative thought arises, it’s like an inner child saying, “Please look at me. I have something to say.” And just like with a real child, ignoring or silencing them doesn’t make the problem go away—it just pushes it further underground. What your thoughts really need is your presence, your attention, and your compassion.

Negative Thoughts Are Messengers

But what about the harsh, negative thoughts, you may ask? The ones that say things like, “You’re not good enough,” or “You’ll never get it right”? Surely those need to be defeated, right?

The answer is still no.

Negative thoughts are often messengers in disguise, carrying insights about what’s unresolved within us. They aren’t here to hurt us; they’re here to show us where healing is needed.

For example, if you find yourself thinking, “I’m not a good parent,” rather than dismissing it or spiraling into guilt, what if you paused? What if you got curious about where that thought was coming from? Maybe it’s rooted in an old belief—one you picked up as a child, like thinking you had to be perfect to be loved.

Negative thoughts are often messengers in disguise, carrying insights about what’s unresolved within us. They aren’t here to hurt us; they’re here to show us where healing is needed.

Listening Leads to Positive Change

When we take the time to explore our thoughts, and to approach them with curiosity instead of judgment, something beautiful happens. Instead of staying stuck in cycles of fear, guilt, or shame, we begin to unravel the beliefs behind those thoughts. We can then start to rewrite the stories we tell ourselves.

For example, exploring the thought that you are not good enough as a parent, you might realize that it stems from your past experiences and old, limiting beliefs. Maybe you’ve had a parent who was critical and never expressed approval for the things you did, which led you to believe that you can never be good enough as a parent yourself. By exploring these past experiences and old beliefs, you can begin to reframe them. And the more you do this, the more able you’ll be to focus on your own accomplishments as a parent and actively expressing love and approval to your child which will create a genuinely more loving relationship between you.

Now let’s come back to the thought, “I’m not a good parent.” By digging a bit deeper, you might realize that it stems from your past experiences and old, limiting beliefs. Maybe you had a parent who was critical and never expressed approval for the things you did, which led you to believe that you can never be good enough as a parent yourself. By exploring these past experiences and old beliefs, you can begin to challenge them, and assert instead that love doesn’t require perfection—it requires presence. And as you soften toward yourself, you create space to show up more fully, not only for your inner world but for your child, all of your other relationships, and your life.

Practical Steps to Relate Differently to Your Thoughts

If the idea that your thoughts are actually not your enemy is resonating with you, you might be wondering how to begin. Here are three steps to start building a kinder, more compassionate relationship with your thoughts:

1. Pause and Notice: Take a few moments each day to sit quietly and observe your thoughts without judgment. Notice any thoughts and take note of them, without trying to change them. Are there recurring patterns? What feelings come up when you listen to them? This awareness will help you understand what your inner children are trying to communicate to you.

2. Get Curious: When you notice a negative thought, take some time to explore it. Ask yourself:

• Where is this thought coming from?
• Is it connected to a fear, unmet need, or past experience?
• What is this thought trying to protect me from or tell me?

This will help you understand the root cause of the thought and give you the opportunity to really understand your mind.

My mini-course "The Negative Thinking and Feeling Cure" can help. In the course, I share practical strategies through video lessons, guided meditations, and exercises to help you gain a deeper understanding of your thoughts and emotions and create positive change in your life. You can learn more about it here www.thehappinessdoctor.com/thinking-feeling-cure.

3. Practice Self-Compassion: If your thoughts are not your enemy but rather inner children in need of your attention, understanding, and love—then that’s what it helps you to learn to do—give them that attention, understanding, and love. Start by offering reassurance:

• “I see you, and I understand why you feel this way.”
• “It’s okay. You don’t have to protect me anymore. I’ve got us.”

By listening to your thoughts this way, you’re not only calming your inner world but also creating a space for healing and transformation.

A Path Forward

Learning to relate to your thoughts with compassion is deeply healing—not just for you, but for the people around you. The more gentle and understanding you are with yourself, the more of that energy you bring into your relationships. That’s what I teach you in my new, free webinar “The Secret to Consistently Being the Loving Partner or Parent You Want to Be”. Check it out here.

I will leave you with this— as you go on with your week, remember that your thoughts are not the enemy. They’re simply parts of you waiting to be understood, loved, and transformed. So the next time a negative thought arises, remember to approach it with curiosity and compassion, take the time to listen to it, and see it as an opportunity for growth rather than an enemy to be defeated.

Let’s walk this journey together.